VOLUME ONE - ISSUE ONE
"Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1" is the movie "Twilight" fans have been waiting for. It starts with the wedding of sexy vampire Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. And you kids know what happens after a wedding? It seems an eternity before Edward finally takes Bella. When he does, it is magical. All barriers fall away between them. They hover upon a cloud hewn of their own eternal bond. Edward Cullen is over one hundred years old, and Bella is a mere eighteen, but they are both wise enough to know that the soul has no age.
I do have one slight criticism. If I had been the director, I probably would have made the sex scene explicit. Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are a real couple and if they are going get paid all that that money to be in these movies, they should really give the audience what they want. By that, I mean wieners going into lady holes, mouth-love, buttstuff, etc. There’s no excuse, it’s not like people aren’t going to pay to see that. I would have settled for some erotic roleplaying even. I haven’t read any of these "Twilight" books, but I assume they have to be sexier than the movie.
I have to say that I’m disappointed that they only do it once. They should have gone "around the world". In fact, "Breaking Dawn: Part 1" should have just been them doing it for the whole movie and they could have moved all that story boondoggle to the second movie. You see Bella’s bruises, and the smashed bedroom set, but you don’t see how it happened. A real missed opportunity. I picture latex, hot wax, safe words, and foul language. I’m sure that Jacob would be there in a gimp mask, smothered in marshmallow fluff, filming every encounter. Don’t fret, Jacob. Every dog has his day. Considering how little actual sex there is in "Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part. 1". I should ask one of the handsome clerks at Video Jerks if there is one of those adult parodies of "Twilight" that I should watch (with them, wink).
I had more hope for "Paranormal Activity 3". Just the name inspires thoughts of trying new things in the bedroom, fuzzy handcuffs, twist-ties, and Wesson oil-soaked hand towels. Boy, was I wrong. This movie was big, limp noodle in the humping department. Early on, the parents try to make a sex video with their camcorder, but an earthquake interrupts it right before the good stuff. After that, there’s no fucking whatsoever, just a bunch of stupid little girls crying about a stupid ghost that we never even see. If the producers of "Paranormal Activity" want me to see "Paranormal Activity 4", they better make with the 69. Lottie Hensley is long time Video Jerks customer. She owns "Udderly Mature", an erotic-themed coffee stand staffed exclusively with baristas over the age of 80. It’s located on route 7, just beyond the county line. She also moderates a message board for "Sexy Seniors", http://seniorlusts.proboards80.com  Main Page | Review Index |
