Rated: PG-13 | Runtime 152 | AKA: The Dark Knights
Charles Matt
Video Jerks Website User
03.30.2012
Note: This review was written in 2009, originally intended for the now scrapped Rocket Video book. Please e-mail me if you would like to buy this piece. I would also be interested in writing for your television project.
REVIEW: Ah, the Dark Knight. What can I say that hasn't already been said? Well, right off the bat, I guess I can say I'm probably the only guy in America who walked in thinking it was a Martin Lawrence time-travel comedy. I was more than a little miffed when I figured out what was going on, but it did clear a few things up for me. For one, I was a little curious why there was a line around the block for it, and also that it was in IMAX (who my friend in comedy Aziz Ansari is currently calling out on their bullshit - check Aziz on myspace to read the whole story. He's kicking some serious IMAX ass... GO AZIZ!)
It's a mother fuckin' under-statement to say that this movie was tailor-fucking made for me. I mean, look, I host a monthly comedy show in a fucking comic book store for fuck's sake (well, unless I'm too hung-over and miss the show). So anyway, I'm at the theater. It's Friday night. The line's so fucking long It's past the L. Ron Hubbard back-to-school display (I know, I know, it's trendy to make fun of Scientologists, and a lot of people like to say "is Scientology as crazy as a virgin giving birth to a bearded guy who gets crucified and comes back three days later?" and to that I say yes, all religion is crazy, there's no god, get over it you fucking idiots).
I'm flying solo, because my girlfriend was being a raging fucking cunt (looks like somebody got into the cuntohol cabinet). Like seriously, she was pissing me the fuck off so fucking much, being a major fucking bitch (we were fighting about a rape joke in my act that I wrote BEFORE I EVEN MET HER). So I decided to have a bros night out. Problem was, my "bros" were all busy doing Laundromat shows, so I put the call out on my podcast that if any listeners wanna meet up, bring weed I'd be down. The problem is, my podcast is wildly unpopular, so nobody showed. Oh well, search for the Charles Mattcast on iTunes if you wanna help me crack the top infinity podcast list.
I really didn't know what to expect. All I can remember was sitting in line, so bored and horny (again, girlfriend was being a cunt which means she was also being a frigid bitch). You ever fantasize about masturbating? Not sex; masturbating. Like seriously, I almost whipped it out right there. I'd have to blow the dust off my dick first; hoping it would blind everyone and that I could finish quick enough before they regained their composure and eye-sight. Knowing me though? I'd finish. No problem.
I sprung for the IMAX ticket. Why not? My mom had just wired me 100 bucks so I could buy gas to come visit. I guess I'll have to mail her this review in my stead.
Needless to say it was FUCKING WORTH IT!!!
Honestly, I don't want to talk about it too much. Lets just say that I saw it in the theater SIX TIMES. I was fucking addicted. I was backstage at the UCB Theater because Mookie Blaiklock knew I was holding (he's fucking killing it on "Secret Girlfriend" if you aren't watching it), and Paul F. Tompkins (a seriously cool and nice guy) made fun of me for seeing it so much (we currently lost him to NYC to host "VH1's Best Week Ever" which is completely awesome now that he's the host. Hope you come back soon Paul, we miss you!). I'd really like to hang onto my in-depth opinions on the movie for when I eventually go on "I Love Movies," but I keep not getting invited to do it, and people keep forgetting to introduce me to Doug Benson (one of the all-time greats... hopefully you fucking know this already).
The thing about this Batman is that Batman is finally treated with the respect he deserves. This film is complex with a subtle simplicity that is hard to capture in art. But the most important thing about this movie is that it's mature. This is a Batman whose motivation is more adult than anything else in theaters (And I see almost everything, so I would know). It's what all art should aspire to be. How can you not love it?
I love this movie so much that I lost my fucking shit during one of the screenings once. So, I saw this dipshit video-taping the movie... you know those guys, who sit in the theater and film the screen? It was this fucking cunty woman who rolled her eyes on me when I fucked up her recording. As a person who creates art, it just infuriates me when other people try to undermine it like that. But get this: the fucking idiots in the theater (who have probably never created art in their entire miserable lives) actually got mad at me for wheeling on her. I haven't gotten so much flack since I said the n-word at M-bar (Earth to dumb-shits: I was doing my Republican-from-the-South character so I didn't even say it, he did).
I called her a cunt to her face and popped into another showing. I was still mad so I pounded some beers and surfed the internet at Bar 107. I was fucking homeless at the time, so I had to wait for my buddy to get home from work so I could come over and sleep on his couch. Turns out some guy from AST was at the theater where I flipped out and he told me later on the forums that it was really cool that I told that bitch off. At least the right people get it.
All in all, I'd say you should see this movie as soon A.P.
Charles Matt is a comic based out of Los Angeles, CA. That is literally the only piece of information he supplied us with when he sent us this review. As far as we know he has never set foot in our store.
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