Video Jerks

NUMBER THIRTY-SEVEN:

ROSEANNE (1988-1997)

Due to Youtube regulations, we can only show a 5 second clip of each show before those PINHEADS shut us down. Thankfully, our video team has picked some of the most meaningful 5 second moments in each show's history.

Mark Riddles (ranked it 23):

It doesn't make sense. Why would a show like this appeal to a panel of seven dudes in their 20's? It was in two panel members Top 10! Yet for some reason, of all the domestic sitcoms from the 90's, Roseanne is the one that stuck with us. For me, it was because I grew up in the Chicago suburbs myself and have known those people. I may in fact been those people and was too ashamed to admit it. Come to think of it, my dad is a mechanic and my mom likes to laugh. Shit.

On the outside the show just seems like "grouchy mom is a shithead to her kids", but watching any episode you see she was always within reason. DJ was a nosy little creep, Becky was a floozie, and DARLENE DONT GET ME STARTED ON DARLENE, DANNNNNNNNN! As much fun as my friends enjoyed making jokes about it (we did with every sitcom of that time), Roseanne was easily the best written and most memorable of them all.

I even liked the last season because of the mess it was. It was like they handed over the reigns to Chris Elliott and he was a kid in a candy store. I remember the whole situation being discussed on THE NEWS. "WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE FINAL SEASON OF ROSEANNE?". I would kill to live back in that time where that was actually considered an newsworthy event.

Jixby Phillips (ranked it 45):

I love to make fun of this show. I disrespect it every chance I get. But when I catch early episodes of the show, I gotta say, I’m impressed!!!!!!!!!!

It might be the best family sitcom ever made. To a point, that is. The later seasons are terrible, even before the lottery bullshit. But for the first few seasons it’s pretty realistic and well-written as far as 90s sitcoms go. But even the terrible seasons are worth it for all the great jokes that have come up in our many AIM chats. From DJ finding a picture of Julie Newmar in his dad’s sock drawer and looking at the camera suggestively because he’s gonna beat off to it (episode featuring Heather Matarazzo playing D.J’s boyfriend), to “Darlene had the baby but is almost died” (a quote from Roseanne in the final monologue of the show). Oh god, so many jokes made by us have come out of those shitty seasons.

I had a great idea where I started renting the DVDs and making my own home-made ones using my DVD-Recorder deck. They make these default menus where you can pick a still from the show. My concept: Every episode I’d use a still of D.J. so it looked like some D.J. pervert made the DVD. It was too much work for something that would have such little pay-off, so I stopped. At least you got to hear about it.

I actually wrote a script called AFTER R*O*S*E*A*N*N*E that I’m sorta proud of, but it wrote it kinda fast just because I was feeling bad about myself and needed to finish SOME kind of writing project to feel okay about my life. It needs a rewrite, I think. The idea is that it’s a failed pilot for a Roseanne follow-up, where everything exists like in the TRUE reality of Roseanne. In the final episode of Roseanne, she revealed the series was a STORY she was writing based on her family, who are slightly different from the versions presented to us on television. Dan is dead, for example. Becky is actually dating David, and Darlene is actually dating Mark. Jackie is a lesbian. So anyway, instead of showing you the script, I’ll tell you about the best joke in it, which is based on this version of the opening theme. Every character morphs into their real selves and it shows Darlene’s baby morph into a skeleton, and then morph back into a baby. It might be the funniest joke I’ve ever written, and it’s based on a single line of dialogue from one specific episode of Roseanne. I blew it!

Kon (ranked it 10):

This is one of the best shows ever made and should be way higher on this list. Ok, maybe that last season does knock it down a few dozen notches.

I never got into Roseanne until fairly recently. I always hated it without ever having seen it while it was on the air and for years after. It just seemed like a rude, fat, grouchy family. The Bundys were already a good rude family AND they had a talking dog. I eventually got worn down into watching this show when Nick at Nite became a continuous stream of eight hour Roseanne marathon blocks broken up by an intermittent Cosby Show. And when I finally watched it, I saw that this was truly brilliant television. Easily the best sitcom in my lifetime and one of the best-written shows ever made. I didn't even have too much time to be disappointed by the last season because thanks to Nick at Nite's Marathon or Bust scheduling I got through the whole season in like two days. World: I love Roseanne and I don't care who knows it.

COMMENTS FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY:
CELEBRITY EDITION

	Buster Simmons: Well now here’s a show I can relate to. I wish my family were more like the Roseannes. And by that I mean the “actual reality” Roseanne where the dad is dead.

	Chad Newmarket: does darlene think shes hot or something? shes a stuid dyke and look out dj im gonna get you, hope you like dyeing and not even your fat mom can save you

	Frances Mildred Gertrude “Frandma” Prescott: Oh this show could be too much for me! I liked some of it watching it with my grandchildren (my son’s kids). I insisted they weren’t allowed to watch it, but they kept telling me over and over that they could! I couldn’t believe that, but I’ve been wrong before (like when I kept subscribing them to Highlights magazine and they told me not to, give poor grandma a break!). I asked their mother if it was okay and she said “oh yeah, it’s family friendly”! Family friendly?? Well you coulda fooled me is what I said!